My name is Katherine and I am an addict

I have been in recovery for 6 years and 11 months from crack cocaine/prescription drugs/alcohol/co-dependency/toxic relationships/etc...and as you can see I don't just do things in small amounts! I have always gone overboard and beyond to hurt others and myself.

   First of all I want to Thank God for my recovery, and if my words touch your spirit, then please take a moment to Thank the God of your understanding for blessing you and freeing us all from Hell.

   For many years, I felt that I did not have any problems, but the people around me most certainly did! 

   It wasn't until I had to give my son up to his father so that CPS wouldn't take him, as I was busted for the 5th time, was I willing to admit I had a problem.

   I will never forget the fright on his innocent, young, and tender face of only 8 years old, as I forced him crying on that plane.    

   He begged me to not do this to him. He had no understanding as to why I was doing this. He could not understand why I was sending him to people he did not know, and to come, and get him as soon as I could. It took 14 months to get him back, and even more harm had come to my child as the father was an addict too, but was able to conceal it from CPS there.

   Now my son is 17, and yes I can fully see the permanent scars that my addictions did to him.

   I had my child to live in crack house buildings, and took him on drug runs where they shot at my car because I ripped the dealers or he watched in horror as I was beaten for that 20 dollars I had in my pocket, only to return the next day to the same area.    

    Amazingly he has turned out to be a pretty good kid, despite my neglectful abusive behavior. But deep down I see his hurt within his soul that may never go away.

   I began to play with drugs/alcohol at the age of 13 going deeper and deeper with time. I did not know that this was a progressive disease. Nothing really got me until I took that first hit off a crack pipe, and that was all she wrote.

   I had a settlement, and yep you guessed it; I was off and running. My habit in dollar amount was very high, and it took only 9 months to reduce me to the lowest form of life without regard to anyone around me or myself. I was a mess. I had everything, and lost everything in 9 months that ever meant anything to me.

   It wasn't until I had hurt, and destroyed my relationships with my family, and friends, and had been arrested 5 times, and admitted to a mental hospital, that I willing to even "hint" that just maybe I had a problem. Once I took a few minutes to see myself in a mirror, and for the first time, saw what this disease had done to me, and what it had me to become.

   Before I lost custody of my child, I had already been through one treatment center. I was trying desperately to get off drugs, but it had such a grip on me that I was truly a hopeless case. No matter what; I could not stop! 

   I kept saying over and over that usual saying that we as addicts repeatedly do when we need help, and it was "God; Pleasssse help me, I don't want to die like this!" And as the saying goes; "Be careful for what you ask for," as he did help me,... but not in the way "I" had expected it!

   I started hearing about AA/NA & the 12 Steps, and I didn't have a clue as to what you meant, but you knew all about me! I kept coming back, and trying desperately to understand, and after a while I started seeing the light! Oh, I left mad as hell at times, because someone who had more clean time than me... would "have me" to "see myself" as I was at that moment!

   Looking at myself for the first time in my life, instead of looking at others to "avoid me" was scary. I was a scary person with my body filled with all sorts of toxins NOT meant to be there.

   If it were not for the 12 Steps, I would be in a box or jail or an institution right now. I Thank God... because He lead me to AA/NA, and AA/NA lead me back to God!

   Getting clean/sober was the hardest thing I ever endured in my life. But today I wouldn't trade my self for anything else.

   I am not a arrogant person, but I have respect for myself today. No longer do I set myself up for the world to do to me whatever they wish, and then use that for an excuse to go out, and use.   

   Life is even harder today being clean/sober, but for the first time in the last several years, I have actually embraced life on life's terms! I can actually see the problems that arise in my daily life and then get into solutions!

   I can actually give back to society instead of taking from it! I can actually love someone, and not some pipe or bottle that would continuously give me false hopes and, eventually kill me.

   For those just new to recovery, you are the most important person in these rooms. You help me to never forget how good God is. You keep me humble, and compassionate. You make me want to reach out to you, and tell you how important you are to these rooms, and how I can so relate to the agony/rage that you feel inside. Just keep coming back, even if you relapse. I relapsed many times before I could stop. I won't judge you. We are related in a common bond. 

   We all need each other to walk this road less traveled, whether you are clean/sober one day or 10-20 years. We are all the same, we are addicts/alcoholics etc...

God Bless every one in the AA/NA rooms. Much Aloha to all! Kathie