The gift of life…

Twelve years ago the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous saved my life. I was on a fast track to hell. My life sucked and all I wished for was death. I knew I was alone and desperate without the first clue of how to live. The only thing I knew is that my world was filled with pain from which there was no escape. The chemicals I was putting in my body on a regular basis stopped working and what I was left with was a dark void. I wanted to stop using but couldn’t. I wanted to ask for help but had no idea how. I wanted to die but was too scared to take my own life. I was lost. I remember thinking “If this is all life has to offer I want out!”

Fortunately for me there is a fellowship called Narcotics Anonymous. I was drug to a meeting by a former using buddy who had gotten clean. Walking into my first meeting I was scared to death. Everyone was warm and friendly. I didn’t even know how to deal with that. I didn’t share and after the meeting I had to prove how non-addicted I was by getting totally loaded.

The meetings and the people in them gnawed at my soul. I couldn’t stop thinking about how some of their stories were similar to mine and they had found a way out. I wanted that so badly but didn’t know how to get it. I was sure that they were all miracles and I was the sole looser who would never get clean. Of course, I resisted every suggestion that was made to me.  

Finally, the pain in my life got so great I had to surrender and try what members told me. I got a sponsor. A wonderful woman who did not listen to my garbage, called a spade a spade, and walked me through the steps. An amazing thing happened. I got and stayed clean. 

I share my sponsor’s clean date because I never thought I would stay clean so I stopped counting. At one point I bet I had enough 30, 60, 90 day tags to start my own home group. After learning to work the steps however I no longer felt I had to use to live. I suddenly had twelve ways to solve any problem. Where I used to blame everything and everyone for situations I now am able to apply the steps and see the situation, as it really is not Amy’s little twisted interpretation. 

Step one tells me that I am absolutely powerless over almost everything except for my actions and if I attempt to control things my life becomes absolutely unmanageable.

Step two tells me that I am not GOD. There is a higher power however I choose to define it and I am NOT IT. It also tells me that if I let God be God and Amy be Amy there is nothing to worry about. All I have to do is believe and the committee in my head that is by all accounts insane will finally SHUT UP!

Step three tells me that the fight is over. I don’t have to struggle anymore unless I choose to. All I have to do is the footwork and HP will take care of the rest, so what is the point in me running around trying to do everything when the results are not mine to give? This step is the breather step for me- all I have to do is make a decision. Whew! That is simple. Since everything in my past points to unmanageability, powerlessness, and insanity obviously Amy’s way wasn’t working and I need some help. Step three is the help on a silver platter. All I have to do is admit defeat and let HP take care of me for a while. Talk about relief.

Step four lets me do some soul searching. This step has been the essential step to the freedom I now enjoy. I have stared down my demons. I have looked my past square in the face accepted it for what it was, seen my patterns and made a choice of what behaviors I wanted to keep and what I wanted to discard. Seeing it in black and white adds an element of honesty when I am writing it alone. I am not trying to make it prettier or uglier than it was. I just lay it all out. Take stock of the ugliness and beauty that has been in my life in order remake myself anew.

Step five helps me learn how to trust. Trust another human being, trust me, and trust my higher power. As I share this step I identify with the person I am sharing it with realizing I am not alone and truly never was. We have all done things we are not proud of. I used to think I was a freak. That no one would ever understand me. It is this step that lets me know you understand me perfectly and because you do I know have the courage to face life on its own terms. I am extraordinarily skilled at self-deception. This step with the help of a sponsor and HP helps me sort out the deception and see just the facts. When I know the facts the next time the manipulative switch gets flipped I can see it for what it is and flip it back off.

Step six lets me know that I nor anyone else is perfect and that this is a program of progress. Progress for me means the evolution of my mind, body, spirit and behaviors. In the previous steps I have identified things such as dishonesty, manipulation, etc. (we don’t even have enough paper for me to list all of them) I have been taught by my sponsor what the opposite of the character defect is and the spiritual principle I need to practice. So instead of feeling hopeless and worthless all of the time I now have a whole bag of spiritual principles to guide me in my evolution.

Step seven is where I get to put those principles into practice. I have to let go of my old ways. I no longer can say “I am working on that defect of character.” That is garbage. My defects don’t need work they need to be let go. Step two and three taught me to let go. Step seven lets me practice it.

Step eight makes me accountable. I have the list. I know the exact nature of my wrongs and the persons I have harmed, including me. I now have to search my heart to make sure I am done with the negative emotions. Am I truly turning over a new leaf and wanting to make things right? Or am I just saying it to look good? I have to become willing to make amends to ALL persons I have harmed. Even the people I felt justified in harming.

Step nine teaches me humility and honor as I go back and make my past wrongs right. Not a running around saying in an “I’m sorry” fest in which people need to sing praises of my personal growth, but a genuine setting things straight. Where I used to lie constantly I now have to be honest no matter how uncomfortable it makes me feel. Where I used to steal I have to pay back. The biggest amend however is to me. I have to match my insides and outsides. I have to be who I say I am and stand true to the values I actually have now.

Step ten tells me that I don’t have to be perfect. It tells me that I am going to make mistakes and I need to promptly admit it when I do. This takes the pressure off thinking I have to do everything right. I used to be one of those people that if I couldn’t do it perfectly I just wouldn’t do it. Step ten tells me to relax and continue every day to look at my motives, beliefs, behaviors and adjust them accordingly.

Step eleven tells me that my relationship with HP that started in 2 and 3 needs care and love. I used to think that prayer and meditation meant I had to pray like a Catholic and meditate like a Buddhist. My sponsor told me that prayer was just talking to my higher power and meditating was listening for the answers. That was such a relief to me. Through practice this step has become easier for me and when I fail to practice it I can tell you I am jolted right back to step one because my life gets crazy…..the life inside my own head that is.

Step twelve tells me that I am responsible. It tells me I never get to stop. My life today is better than any that I ever imagined. I no longer want to die as a matter of fact all I want to do is live. Live life.. every moment to its absolute fullest. I have had so many spiritual awakenings as a result of these steps. It is like all of a sudden one day I will look at a situation in my life in a whole new light. It is like looking through the eyes of a child. I have a new opportunity to deal with life on life’s terms using these principles in all of my affairs. And now that I know that, I am responsible for carrying that message to others. Where would I be now if someone had not carried it to me?

I will not lie to you this last year has not been a picnic. I have had some of the most emotionally hard moments of my life. But I didn’t use. I became a step-working fiend. When in pain I turn to the steps (I wish I could learn to do this when I was not in pain). I drug my butt to meetings and shared my pain. I think it is so important that we share our pain especially after having a few years clean so that newcomers know you can walk through hard times clean. That no matter what happens in this life there are twelve steps and a fellowship of people willing to help you through. No one day is insurmountable. There is no good excuse to use in my opinion. No matter what happens, you NEVER have to use again-just for today.

Twelve years ago NA saved my life. Today NA teaches me how to live it.

Thanks for letting me share,

Amy G
Emporia