I grew up in a pretty good house my family was always moving
around and so I never had many friends, I remember as a
child always feeling not scared of anything and I loved being a kid. When I was
about 4 years old my mom got with this guy that was going to be my new dad and I
loved him. He then started to
sexually abuse me and I can still remember till this day what it was like I had
never been so scared and this went on until I was 7 years old I never told my mom
because I was afraid it was my fault. it was when I was 7 that I started to feel
different and like I didn't fit in I was too tall and I was too skinny or too fat
and I wanted a family like I saw all my friends have.
The first time that I got high was with my brother and I
remember feeling no fear and like I had arrived and I didn't care what people
thought about me I was pretty I had friends and I was gonna do this forever I
didn't understand why everyone didn't do drugs. I
started using heavier when I was 11 and I was smoking pot every day and I had no
consequences and I was having a blast.
I started running away when I was 12 because I wanted to feel
independent. I wasn't allowed
to do drugs at home and I felt like my mom was only in my way of me doing what I
wanted to to do. When I turned 14 I lost my virginity to a guy I thought I loved
and when he dumped me I was crushed. I started to sleep
around with guys and I was lying all the time to my mom my friends and I didn't
care what I did as long as I could get high and feel better so that is what I did.
I began using heavier drugs like hash and oil and mushrooms.
I soon dropped out of school and was always fighting with my family and I was
running away all the time. I had set lines for myself by saying that I would
never do cocaine and I would never use needles and I would never use heroin and I
would never prostitute.
One night I was at this party and I was with all my friends
that were doing lines of cocaine and my buddy offered me a line,
without hesitation I said yes and instantly I fell in love.
I told myself this was the life, I was going to do this
till I died and that was only the beginning to my life of hell and fear.
I was never at home for longer than
a week or two before I would steal money and leave to
get high again. I moved into a house with cocaine
dealers where I was able to do as much cocaine as I wanted and I was able to get
into what ever bar I wanted as long as I was with this guy selling.
Snorting the cocaine wasn't working any more so I soon
started to smoke crack and that to me was the best.
At the time it was quick and it made me feel awesome but
then it got a hold of me and I started to rip my dealer off and I was beat up
because I couldn't pay my debts.
One day I went out on the street
and I prostituted and I told myself that it was only sex and so I continued to do
that. It was easy money and I
could get as much drugs as I wanted. The crack wasn't
working like it used to so I started to use needles and that is when I decided
that the hell with it! I have crossed every line that I
swore I would never cross and so I was going to go full out. I was going to die
doing this and I didn't care.
I had lost all hope of being someone.
I felt so dirty and ashamed of myself and as soon as I would start to feel
this, that was I would go get high and that took it away
for a while I remember going out and working the streets and being picked up by
men and being beat up and raped and me having that moment of clarity and saying to
myself what the hell are you doing this isn't who you wanted to be when you were a
child but then the disease would kick in and I would tell myself that is all that
I am going to amount to be.
I was constantly using everyone that was in my sight.
Yeah I said Oh I love ya,
and you are my best friend when you had something that I wanted but as soon as
your back was turned I was steeling from you and laughing to myself at what a goof
you were. That was all I was,
I was a goof and I was so sick that
I remember when I didn't have drugs and I woke up after not sleeping for
days or eating and I was so sick I was curled up in a ball cursing god for not
letting me die and I went to go take a shower because my body hurt so bad but as
soon as I got in the shower and the water hit my body I screamed because I
couldn't even stand the feeling of that I was so sick.
I remember phoning my mom and begging her to come and get me,
that I had had enough and as soon as she would I would get scared because I
couldn't see my self not doing drugs and so I would leave again and go get high
like always. I would never eat shower sleep. I would smoke crack and inject
cocaine and smoke heroin everyday. I totally lost my self,
I truly believe that I was a shell out there with nothing left inside.
I OD'D 5 times and when I would come too
I would tell myself that I was gonna quit and I never could because I was no
longer in control, The drugs had me. I was 17 and I had
no life. What once seemed like
the life I always wanted turned out to be the life I was doomed to die
for and that was my reality. I was constantly sharing needles with junkies
I didn't know and I was always being beat up and I
didn't care. What was so sad
is that I knew that I wasn't supposed to be
there, but I didn't know how
to stop.
My mom kidnapped me off the street's April 8 2002 and brought
me to Calgary Alberta where I was signed into a long term drug treatment center
and that was where I got my life back it. It was the
hardest thing I ever had to do but it was the best thing I ever did. I was in
there for 13 months and I worked the twelve step of alcoholics anonymous and I
found the hole inside of me
that I was trying to fill with drugs all the time.
I now fill it with god and the fellowship.
I am currently back in school part time and I have a full time job.
I have my family back that I thought wrote me off for good and most of all I have
self respect and I can look in the mirror and smile rather that shy away.
I don't have any STDS but for the grace of god but I do have Hepatitis C which is
a consequence of my drug use. It
is a reminder of what I don't want to go back too.
I no longer have the compulsion to drink or use and for that
I am eternally grateful. I never thought
for a that it would leave but
it has. When I first came
through the doors of AA I felt so dirty, I hated to be
in my own skin and I felt like I had to shower ten times a day to get the smell
and the feeling off of me, I don't feel like that
anymore. I realize that I never have to go back to that and I don't want to.
Yes I still have thoughts what
would it be like if I did, but then I just
have to remember an incident where I was raped or when I didn't have any
drugs and how I felt and then I realize that no amount of drugs or alcohol could
replace the feeling of freedom that I have today.
That is all because I believed that this program might
work for me one day at a time and for that I am eternally grateful.
I believe that nothing happens in gods world by mistake and I don't regret my past
nor wish to shut the door on it either because it has made me the lady that I am
today. Thanks to god I am
alive and I am sober. JUST FOR TODAY
I am willing to help anyone that has a problem and would like
to talk with them. No-one has
an excuse, you all can do it!
I believe that if you put as much effort into your sobriety as you did your using
you can't fail it is about being rigorous honest and open
minded and willing. Please
write me my email address is
flower_child09@hotmail.com I am willing to listen even if you want to shoot
bullets because that is what I needed to do for a long time in the beginning and I
still do at times.
I am not cured and I am not perfect but I am sober and I do
care about all of you. I never could understand why the counselors said that they
cared about me because what I thought was that if you
knew who I really was you would turn away in disgust or
use my weakness to destroy me and I couldn't allow that to happen so I kept the
real me veiled behind a big attitude "FUCK THE WORLD AND LEAVE ME ALONE!"
I really knew that deep down
inside of me I wanted them in my life and I wanted what
they had, I just didn't think I could get it.
One day I realized that I had
nothing left to lose so I tried it to the best of my ability and I got it!
Please try and get some help if you are still using
because you will die whether it is through
real death or it is through dieing
inside and that is what happened to me. I died inside
and I believe that is worse than actually dieing because then you are still
suffering but there is hope for you.
If you want to believe in yourself and do this
please write to me with any questions or comments.
