On
this site I will publish all stories dealing with recovery and addiction. Not all addicts
wish to remain addicts and some struggle more than others at recovery.
This is a good
story if I want to remember where I came from. We must all remember that no matter how
much clean time we have we are all but one drink or drug away from relapse.
This story was
sent to me on 12/9/2002 by Lynn K.
It has been
edited to fit this page and one reference as to how to free base coke has been deleted for
obvious reasons. Otherwise this story is in it's original form.
From reading
this story it sounds to me like this addict is having a problem staying clean and
surrendering to the principles of the program.
The 12th Step
reads,
"Having had a
spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts,
and to practice these principles in all our affairs."
If you would like to contact this
addict and offer any suggestions you may do so from their website at,
http://lynnfromct.freeyellow.com/addiction.html
Remember we can only keep what we
have by giving it away.
Thank You
Nickscape Navigator
I Am In Recovery
Now...
But This Was My Life As An Addict!
Addiction is a Disease
This Is My Story!
Don't Let It Become
Yours
A well traveled
road...
one detour too many...
"Broken Hearts,
Broken Dreams"
A crystalline
powder
called cocaine or crack
Run as fast as you can
and dontcha ever look back
Don't become the
VICTIM,
Don't let the CRACK
decide...
Because Addiction my friends
is the fastest way to suicide...
Perhaps you think your
smarter than the rest of us...
you think that you can use...
and not lose...
I hope you listen well
my friends
this story's hard to tell,
but it most likely will happen to you
if you pick up and
use
CRACK IS MUCH MORE
POTENT:
You Know Deadly, More Addictive!
comes white or beige
(cut in squares/triangles)
usually hard but sometimes soft
could be called BASE or COOKUP
but its still CRACK!!!!
And It Still May
Leave You Flat On Your Back
DEAD...
In the bigger cities like
NEW YORK
you can buy CRACK
In a little red tipped vial @ $5.00 1-2
hits
this is the drug that keeps you coming back
Cocaine is the name...
Addiction is its deadly game!
Please don't think this
is a joke...
I just want everyone to be aware...
What used to be fun and exciting...
turned into a nightmare overnight...
Think real hard before
you give in...
Being called a "CRACK HEAD"...
Can make you wish you were dead...
People make fun of you
DEALERS MAKE FUN OF YOU...
Don't Be
A Fool,
Don't Ever Try Crack
Run away as fast as you can
and Never Ever Look Back!
The CRACK Cocaine
habit
caught me in its web,
its talons grabbed my soul,
AND
Now it's a never
ending cycle
that keeps us wasting money...
slowly killing us with it speedy and deadly impact!
Now I wonder where my
sanity went.
It stomps on me,
spits on me,
has turned me into a fool attached to a crack pipe...
YEH... THE FIRST HIT
IS AWESOME
THE YOU SPEND THE REST OF NIGHT WASTING $$$ CHASING THAT FIRST HIT
I AM SO ASHAMED OF MY
BEHAVIOR
BUT THAT STILL DOESN'T STOP ME
BR> I HAVE BEEN GETTING HIGH NOW FOR OVER 4 YRS -
THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS OF $$$'S WASTED...
MY HUSBAND AND I PROBABLY COULD OF BOUGHT A HOUSE BY NOW...
AS A MATTER OF FACT I JUST GOT HIGH A FEW HOURS AGO
I AM SO ASHAMED,
STILL I USE!
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS
TO ME:
I TAKE A HIT (I need
to be in small space with NO ONE watching me), start to sweat, and shake, oh the feeling
for 10 minutes
then I start to look around... for God knows What - but apparently at the time I think
it's everywhere (the little specks of white) I see on the floor, the ceiling, the table,
under chairs, in my shoe - It makes me sick to think about the foolish things I do when I
get high.
Anybody else ever
been there????
Anybody Else Admit
They GOT A PROBLEM!!!!!
All of sudden, you
have so many secrets to keep from others, so many lies to hide from your friends, your
parents, your spouse... so many lies, deceptions that you have trouble keeping track, your
mind spins a web of deception in attempt to keep you from sinking closer and closer to
HELL.
Oh an the things you
will do to get crack, never would imagine your life to be this way...
I never thought I
would take others belongings to the pawn shop, steal from my parents, beg my boyfriend for
money, or drive to the dealer with pennies
and beg for a loan
That the most
humiliating one...
he just laughs...
NO MONEY... NO
DOPE... NO HAND-OUTS...
Crack/Cocaine
addiction is a disease
it takes over your life,
making you weaker and weaker,
more and more dependent upon it -
making you lie, cheat, beg and steal
to cover the craving of power
you receive from it.
REALITY CHECK...
ARE YOU FREE NOW?
NOPE... YOU ARE
NOW A PRISONER OF ADDICTION!
You have nothing, your life is gone...
you have no desires, no dreams, no friends,
no cares, no will,
and of course NO F*CKIN' MONEY.
All your $$$ go to the
dealer on the corner...
you know the one...
he has gold rings, gold necklaces,
drives either a Mercedes, BMW, Cadillac or Lincoln,
and beautiful has gold-capped teeth.
Did you ever realize
that while we are WASTING
our hard-earned $$$'s on CRACK/COCAINE,
HE'S GETTIN' RICHER
& RICHER
HELPIN' US DIE!.
The toughest part of all
of this... is that I know that's what's happening and I still can't stop. I call him from
a pay phone, he meets me in his
"2000 MERCEDES BENZ CONVERTIBLE"
I drive a 1994 Hyundai
Excel!
What do you drive?)
Half my teeth are
falling out,
the rest are chipped or broken
What about you?....
$100 for 6-7 rocks
should last 2 people 2-3 hours. He knows I'll be back... he knows we will spend all the
$$$'s we have on his drugs before the night is through. Not too mention when we are
done spending all of our $$$'s we will then be searching for more
$$$'s, or for a way to
steal or beg or borrow even more $$$'sto buy more crack before the night is through....
HE PAYS
$5.00 PER ROCK
HE PAYS $25 PER GRAM
(He charges us $20 per rock, $75 per gram)
How many fools are there
out there?
My husband and I started
the snorting Coke together as a team, we used as a once a month recreational activity
(what a laugh that is... as I look back) - soon our dealers wanted us to buy more - so
they brought some cooked cocaine for us to try... I was wary at first... (as all should
be) but when my long-time friend for years said she had tried it and it wasn't that bad...
I gave in!!!!
Well for snorting 6
months we were so naive, now that turn of events to get us smoking proved us to be even
more stupid.
Shortly after Mike
started Smoking Coke, he tried to fight his addiction - leaving me alone to fight my
addiction without even the comfort of his love to hold my head high.
He wasn't there to make me feel loved and wanted
anymore -- day by day -- he slipped further and further away from me -- at the time
I was euphoric as the smoke from my pipe did little dances in the air in front of my face
- my NEW friends and I didn't stop and think about the consequences or rather we
were tooo high to care....
Those stupid little white rocks - almost cost me my
family and friends not too mention my life especially when one night I took a
hit... yea it was a blast... but then I felt dizzy (and basically that's all I remember)
but I was told what happened to me... I STILL FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT WHY WOULD THEY
LIE... THEY ALL SEEMED SCARED...
so it's probably true.
Here is the story...
they said all of a sudden I started to shake (I did have a dizzy feeling in my head - and
it was throbbing something awful)- any they say I was shaking really bad... and then I
started to fall down & passed out and they say I went into a SEIZURE... but I
don't know - I can't remember anything, but afterwards I was standing up without my pipe,
without my drugs, and nobody would give me anything (but I paid for it)... All I have left
as a reminder is a BURN a my right hand the shape of my pipe (guess I didn't want to let
it go... held on the burning end) - GUESS THAT SHOULD OF MADE ME QUIT... but then I don't
remember it, I'M NOT EVEN SURE HAPPENED...
Well, I
know it happened, because it has happened again and again... BUT DO I QUIT?
what do you think?
Mike tried to quit a
bunch of times, he had even blamed me for his addiction before that even happened, but has
realized it wasn't me that kept bringing him back to the powder, and the rock (those
little white rocks of death)... but the disease calling to him, whispering sweet nothings
to him, motioning for him to pick up the pipe, snort the line...sell his soul...to the
devil...
We have tried to quit, to slow down, to stop - but the addiction keeps bringing us back to
those filthy little white rocks of death.... it is CRACK -- I have lost my will to live
without its livelihood, its companionship.
Sleep doesn't come easy to an addict... you need the aid of sleeping pills, pills make it
easier, pop a few pills (Zanax or Lorazepam, sometimes you can use VICODEN or PERCOSET) sleep
a few
hours - less hours of solitude and loneliness to deal with...
Waking up, No CRACK left... force yourself back to sleep, another lonely hour, another
desperate attempt to forget the (psychological) happiness that you think those filthy white
rocks can bring.
As I sit here updated
my story, reading and re-reading the truth - I am brought to tears...
KNOWING THIS IS ALL
TRUE...
KNOWING THIS IS MY F$CKIN' LIFE NOW HURTS A LOT...
If you can get out of
this mess, please do so...
Don't become a statistic -
Don't turn into me!
I cut my own throat, filled my own body with drugs and bad choices.
And now I am paying
the price for my actions (I get the shakes when I don't use... but if I do use afterwards
I spit up black phlegm, sometimes with blood mixed in, the next day my back and lungs hurt
so bad I can barely breathe - but does this stop me from using... you guess.
We tried to get
clean together... and I do admit we have CUT DOWN A LOT... we used to smoke every night -
and I being honest in my addiction - lately we can usually be good 5 or 6 nights a week,
but I can tell you honestly EVERY FRIDAY it's PARTY-TIME
wish I could fight the feelings of euphoria that drugs can bring.
We
will NEVER be the way we used to be...
If you use drugs
and think you need help - talk to someone (a friend, relative, clergyman, or use one of
the links at the bottom of my page). You are not alone, Addiction is a disease (this
is not your fault - they're are people and places that can help you if you just reach out.
If you should feel the need to talk or get out some of your feelings
there are a lot of places you could contact - Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous
& Cocaine Anonymous has local chapters in most cities (you could find the local number
in your telephone book.), not too mention they have hotlines in most cities, also almost
every city has a detox center, or crisis line - remember You Are Not Alone... There Is
Help For The Addict/Alcoholic Who Wants It... you must be willing to work the 12 Steps.
Be honest, open and willing to do what it takes to stay clean and sober...
A lot of the problems come from PEOPLE, PLACES, AND THINGS
(when you decide to stop using, you must stop
associating with addicts/alcoholics, you must stop going to places where you have
access
to alcohol or drugs, and you must stay away from bars, drug havens, crack houses)... In
most cases you will have to change your friends, your lifestyle, where you live, and what
you do for fun...
When is the last time you went bowling? Bet you can't
even remember... Get Sober, Get Clean, Get with the Real World...
You
can do it...
I know you can...
Have Faith!
Do it for me...
I can't stop
someone once
told me...
that I had a moral obligation
to all of you who read my page
to quit...
Well I just got
out of rehab....
So I am trying again...
I am Clean & Sober Now.
since I started
using back in '95
I haven't been able to stop using
for more than 3 weeks at a time!
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