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My name is Heather
and I’m an addict. My story is not one of an alcoholic home or abuse. It’s
the story of a person in the grips of addiction.
I grew up with a
loving family. I am the youngest of three girls and from an early age was
told that I was special because I am the only left handed member of my
family. When my mom told me I was special I heard I was different. My
sisters are goal setters and achievers and I never felt good enough. I
wanted to be the best at something and felt like I couldn’t measure up.
When I was 14 I
had sex with a guy I was dating way before I was ready. We ended up breaking
up very painfully. A couple weeks later I got drunk for the second time and
I blacked out. I had turned green and puked constantly and my friends didn’t
know what to do. One of my friends Mom drove me home and I remember
stumbling downstairs to my room. After that, I pursued drinking at any
opportunity. Then pot came along at 15 and I loved it. I soon ditched a
stable guy I was dating because he didn’t like me partying so much. I loved
the feeling when I was high and was constantly trying to find that balance
between pot and alcohol. I would get it, but then the dizzy spells would
come and I knew then that I had to get home or I would end up blacking out.
I decided to drop
out of high school. This was a big turning point for me. I had now rejected
my parents and my sisters way of life. I was pursuing the “alternative “ way
of life. I felt like yeah, now I am walking to the beat of my own drummer. I
got involved with a guy who liked to drink and smoke pot. Our relationship
was very volatile with lots of screaming and break-ups. We decided to move
away so he could go back to university and myself to try a new high school.
Instead we just went on a 9 month smoke feast. I became pregnant and moved
back to where my parents lived. I had the baby, then moved again to where he
was living. Things didn’t work out and I moved again back in with my
parents.
Things went from
bad to worse and my drinking was getting out of hand. I was stealing to keep
up my pot use and had to start dealing. This went badly and I soon felt
panicked and desperate. I decided to leave town without my baby and in the
middle of the night hopped on a bus. I spent the next two months living more
or less on the streets. I was a daily drinker, resorting to panhandling for
money. I was 19 and attractive, men would offer to pay me for sex but I
never took it . I looked at prostitutes with disgust.
Moving back home
was tough. My child was living in another town thousands of miles away with
her Dad. I went to work and quickly got in a cycle of working during the
day, and then going straight to the bar. I decided to quit and stopped
drinking and smoking pot. My ex and my child moved back and we got back
together. A few months later I was pregnant again. Again things started
getting crazy between us so we broke up. I quickly moved out with a friend
and the first night into our trailer, we smoked a joint. This got me going
again. I didn’t drink because I was pregnant but quickly started smoking pot
again daily. Total unmanageability again and I had to move back in with my
parents.
I had the baby and
a few months later the ex and I tried again. This time I stayed away from
the drinking and we were just smoking pot together. Anyway we stopped
smoking pot and I was trying my best at being a stay at home Mom to my two
young kids. Again things were going badly between us and we broke up. This
time for the last time. I soon got a job at a restaurant and one night
decided to stay after work for a beer and BAM
! My addiction back, ten fold.
I was drinking
heavily one night and was offered some crack/cocaine. I had dabbled in it
before, but this time it was all night and I loved it. Crack was now the
driving force in my life, even though I was not aware of it. I was stealing
loads of money from my family and they changed the locks on the front door.
I soon decided my children were better off without me and impulsively left
town.
The first night in
the city ( the same one I had run away to 3 years prior) I was offered some
crack. These guys were heavy users and my mind was completely blown away to
the high I was getting now. Sex was so good on crack I just wanted more. For
the next year that is what I got. But along with more crack and crystal meth
I also got a lot more than I had bargained for. I was soon selling my body
for money to feed my drug habit after a boyfriend coaxed me into it. That
night we were in a high speed chase in a stolen vehicle. I was hurt
physically by the cops and was very angry at them. My boyfriend took that
rap and after 8 hours I got out. This could have been my out but I decided
to continue to prostitute. I soon was in a cycle of working to keep up my
crack habit and smoking crack, meth and drinking so I could work. I hated
what I was doing but continued to get into the drug culture further. Hanging
out with dealers and crack addicts and could tell you a lot of stories but
it got me to a place of complete fear, paranoia, pain, anger, desperation,
isolation and degradation. I went to jail for a couple weeks and when I got
out, immediately got so high I passed out. A couple days after two hospital
visits in three days, I jumped on a bus and went back home.
My younger son did
not know who I was when I got home. It had been a year since I had seen him.
After one relapse and an attempt at the 12 step programs I went into a
depression that was so isolating that I would not leave my parents house
for days at a time. I ran into some money and 30 lbs. Heavier I started
doing crack again. This time only going out once a month spending about
$1000.00 each binge. The last night I used it was my Mom’s birthday and I
was smoking crack in my bedroom while my kids and parents were home. That
night I prayed for God to help me. The next day was August 28, 2004 and that
is my clean date.
I work very hard
at my recovery. This past year my parents sold their house and moved onto a
sailboat thousands of miles away. This was very hard on me as I am a single
parent and have no other family in town. Thank God for their Dad who has
joint custody of my kids. This gives me the opportunity to go to 4 AA and NA
meetings a week. Well I grabbed onto AA and NA and now I feel like this is
my family. I have a sponsor and work the steps. I am involved with service
work. There are days when I still have thoughts of using. Sometimes I still
feel very alone and don’t think I have gotten better. But this is a far cry
from smoking crack behind a garbage can or giving a guy a blowjob in a dark
alley. I work full time, have a car and an apartment. I am clean by the
grace of God and the fellowship of AA and NA. My hope today is to share my
experience with you and to let you know that there is a solution and it’s
called Narcotics Anonymous/Alcoholics Anonymous!!
Clean for today,
Heather |
