|
Hi, you will probably wonder why I am telling you my story. I always said
when I decided to stop using speed that I would tell my story to a million
people if that is what it would take to keep one person from ever touching
or using any hard drug, especially speed. It has destroyed me! It cost me my
marriage to my first love, a good relationship with my children, up to this
point and I lost the trust of family and friends. It almost cost me the life
of my youngest daughter.
I have been using crystal meth (SPEED) since February 1999. To some that
might not be along time, but to me it is. I do not remember exactly when I
started shooting it but I am pretty sure it was only a few months after I
did meth for my first time. I remember thinking “cool, a drug that only
stays in your system for a few days.” Up until now I had only smoked weed,
smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol. I had only been smoking weed for a few
months. I do know that in the following years it was awful and things only
got worse and never better. I was always paranoid that someone was watching
me or trying to hurt me. Thinking I saw something that was never really
there in the first place. I just swore something was lurking in the shadows.
You can take a really nice person and put them on speed and they will
completely turn into a monster. I know I have seen it happen to a few people
I know.
I got with my husband (now ex-husband) Jr. in November of 1998. We had known
each other since we were nine. He was my first love and my first everything.
I remember thinking in high school I would never do drugs, because they are
bad for you and will hurt you, and was told they might even kill me. In
elementary school I remember Isaiah Robertson coming to my school and
talking to me about drugs and his life with drugs. I decided then that I
would not touch them because I did not want to end up like that. I remember
what other members of my family went through and are still going through
with my Uncle Eddy and his drug addictions. He would steal anything from
anyone to get money for drugs. He did not even care who you are or what of
yours he took from you. He even stole my piggy bank once to get drugs. He
stole pain killers from his own mother (my Grandmother) before she passed
away. She had MS and he stole her Morphine. I remember all the bad things my
family would say and still say about him and the things he would do to
support his addiction. Now, I wonder if they ever said or thought those
things about ME!
I remember thinking “I never want to do drugs.” Well, I did and I liked
them. From there it all went down hill. When Jr. and I first got together we
lived with his mom. Then we moved in with my parents. We started doing hard
drugs only when my husband and I would have the extra money to do it. We did
cocaine and speed. And we still smoked weed. First we started snorting the
hard drugs. Then, we smoked them off foil, out of a light bulb or even out
of a glass pipe. Then I shot up my first time! . I remember it like it was
yesterday! Oh, the rush of it! The way it made me feel. OH BOY that is a
feeling no one can forget! That sound of the "Train". Anyone who has shot
Meth or Coke knows what I talking about. The feeling you get and it warms
your body from head to toe. It is hard to explain. That taste in the back of
the mouth. How you can feel it go though your body. We would even mix the
two sometimes when we would shoot them. I believe that is called a
speedball.
We got our first place together in February 1999. We had someone we knew to
move in with us to help with the bills. That is also when we had our first
“run in” with the police in March of 1999. We kicked out the roommate
because she wasn’t helping with the bills or anything else. She got mad
because we kicked her out and she called the cops and told them we were
getting six pounds of speed delivered to our house that night. Anyone that
knows anything about drugs knows that is a lot of drugs in one place at one
time. The police showed up and we allowed them to search our house. They
found a light bulb, roach clips and some prescription pondimum pills that
were my mother’s. At this time pondium had been taken off of the market
because researchers found out that it could cause major heath problems. The
pills got mixed up in my stuff when we moved out of my parents’ house and
into the house of our own. But, since the pills were my mother’s pills and
they were in my house I got charged with possession of a controlled
substance. We lost our place to live and moved in with his mother.
I found out on April 16, 1999, my 19th birthday, that I was pregnant. The
hard drugs stopped for me right then and there. I only smoked weed during my
pregnancy, but now I know that was just as bad as anything else was. In
September 1999 I was put on probation for those pills. Imagine the looks I
got going into court six months pregnant for possession of a controlled
substance charge. I had my little girl in December 1999. I could not wait to
do a "Bump." I remember that. After that next bump is when I wanted it real
bad. All the time and as much as I could get. We moved out of my husband's
family place in February 2000 and got a trailer of our own. We thought we
were actually going to get somewhere in life this time. That is when we met
our first famous "Dope Cook" and my husband became the runner for him. We
took him everywhere he needed to go and in return we got “free dope”--what a
great deal we had going on, or at least that is what we thought! We actually
married in March of 2000. For a wedding present our “dope cook” gave us two
8 balls of speed. Boy did we ever have fun that night! We lost our place to
live in early May of 2000 because we used all the drugs he gave us instead
of selling some to pay bills. We had to move in with my mom and step-dad
again. We keep on doing the “running” for the cook for a few more months.
In June of 2000 I found out that I was pregnant again with our second child.
I do remember I thought, "Oh, boy-- what are we going to do now?" We kept
running him around for dope for my husband and money or what ever I needed
for me since I was pregnant. I did not do any hard drugs for three months.
Then my husband went to jail for six months in September of 2000. I started
shooting up while I was pregnant and he was locked away. I still do not know
to this day what possessed me to shoot speed while I was pregnant. But the
past is the past and I can not change it. I just have to live with it and
move on. In fact, the night I went in to labor I had shot some speed and I
think that is what made me go into labor. She was born six weeks early on
December 12th, 2000. I had meth in my system of course, but when they did
the drug test on the baby and her placenta they found no traces of any
drugs. What a miracle! She only had to spend two weeks in the hospital. And
there was nothing wrong with her. They kept her because she could not keep
her body weight. In the hospital CPS came in and gave her to my mom. I got
her back in January 2001. I did not even stop after all that. I still kept
using.
Jr. got out of jail in March of 2001. And immediately we went back to doing
speed together. CPS called me again in April 2001 because I was going to go
to jail for violating my probation and they needed to place my children with
someone (my Parents) other than my husband because he had been using too.
CPS knew that we had been using together during those months. He got popped
his first drug test a few days after I had to turn myself into jail. And he
had to leave the house because he failed it and then lied about taking the
drugs. I got out in June of 2001 and I did not get my kids back until July
or August of 2001. When I got out I had to go get MY HUSBAND from a dope
whores house. That was where I should have left him! But I didn’t. Hind
sight is 20/20 though. We moved into his mom’s house together, without our
kids. Another mistake I made. I should have stayed with my children at my
parent’s house. I have no clue what I was thinking.
We got our kids back and kept on using METH. We moved out of his mom’s house
and into my parent’s house in October of 2001. My ex-husband, Jr., got a job
working not too far from the house. There is where he ran in to someone we
both knew in high school. We found out that he smoked weed and speed also.
After that we started hanging out with him and his wife. Gerry’s wife,
Lauren and I became best of friends. Lauren knew Gerry smoked weed, but she
did not know he smoked speed. After awhile she was starting to suspect he
was doing more than just weed. Gerry asked me to tell his wife he was doing
speed and asked me to try to salvage his marriage. One weekend we went over
there. Jr. and Gerry left to go find some dope and I told Lauren what Gerry
was doing. She was very upset. This next part is where I went wrong, so very
wrong! I told her she should try it. After many hours of talking about it,
she did. She smoked out of a light bulb and off tin foil. She liked it! Now,
I realize she was instantly hooked. We all hung out and partied. Then Gerry
started shooting speed behind Lauren’s back. Lauren was still only smoking
it at this point.
I tried to kill myself in June of 2002 and CPS stepped back in my life AGAIN
and took the girls away again. I spent three days in ICU. I had taken enough
ambien to kill 5 grown men. And on top of that I had taken a dozen Tylenol
PM. When I got home from the hospital my husband and I continued to use
drugs. In July 2002 we all got kicked out of his sister's place. We moved in
with another “dope cook” we knew. We lost contact with Gerry and Lauren at
this point. Boy, the things I learned while we lived there! I could never
forget. Some of the people I met really SCARED ME! I learned never to look
people in the eye that you do not know. We lived there until September 2002.
His mom came a rescued us. I thought my prayers have been answered. We moved
out of there and in with his mom. We got our girls back shortly after we
moved back in with his mom. When we got there he also wanted to go out and
“hustle” to get drugs. He wanted to “hustle” drugs to make money to get
diapers for the girls rather than borrowing some money from my mom to get
them.
I left my husband on 15th of September-two days before his birthday. When
one of our friends that just happened to be a major dope cook around here
found out that I was quitting and that I had left Jr., he told everyone not
to sell to me and not to even give me any. While we were separated. Jr. ran
into Gerry and Lauren again. He and Gerry talked Lauren into trying the
needle. I know this because she called me and told me all about it. And then
she wanted me to come over and visit. I told her” no I couldn’t” because I
had decided that it wasn’t a good idea to go over there. This is around the
same time I relapsed in November of 2002 and I only did it one time, but
that is all it takes. I went over to this person’s house to show someone I
knew what I was doing. He offered me a bump and I took. I went home and
thought about what I had just done. And kicked myself in the butt for it! I
did really well for awhile.
I relapsed in July 2003. It happened at Gerry and Lauren’s house. I just
went over there to say hi. I knew better than to go over there. I knew they
were still using and I knew they were shooting it too. I think in the back
of my head I wanted to relapse. I went over there thinking I was strong
enough to say” no” if I had to. As it turns out, I wasn’t. Surprise!! Went
over there and started wanting it. I was even the one that mentioned getting
some. We went and found it. I found someone who had some dope AND a brand
new point (needle)! Oh boy, did I think I was in heaven! But I wasn’t. My
boyfriend at the time found out where I was and he knew I had a real bad
past with METH. He knew what I was doing but I denied it for about 8 hours.
He would call constantly. He wouldn’t let me get off the phone and when he
did he would call back 10 minutes later. I could not handle lying to him
anymore. I told him the truth. He hung up the phone on me only after he
called me a few more choice names.
About that time is when that “dope cook” friend of mine showed up over
there. He found out I was back in the area and found out that I got drugs
from someone and wanted to know who gave them to me. When I heard him holler
my name I knew I was in trouble. OH BOY was I in trouble. He also had
another friend with him. I tried to hide it from them by running down the
hallway into my friend’s room but it did not work. They both knew I was
there and was hollering for me to come see them. I went back down the
hallway and sat next to the one I knew the best. He asked to see my arms and
I did not want to show him. I had marked up my arms pretty bad trying to
find a vein. But I finally found it only after I made myself look like a pin
cushion first. I did not want to show them to him because I was ashamed of
what they looked like and the fact that I had relapsed again. He made me
look at what I done to myself. Then he called my boyfriend and told him to
come pick me up because I was too high to drive all the way back home. And
he told him not to let me come back to that area for ANY reason and he told
him to tell me that when I came down from my high. When my boyfriend came
and got me I was scared he was going to yell and scream at me some more. But
he just took me home. He did not yell at me or call me any bad names. He
just helped me get ready for bed and held me all night.
Well my husband and I got a divorce in October 2003. I thought I had closed
that chapter of my life for good. I stayed clean from meth until August of
2004. Yes, just a few months ago. I made it a year and thought everything
was down hill from here. Boy was I ever wrong! A "dope cook" (my now
ex-husband) got out of prison in July of 2004. I thought I could say no to
it. But when it is right there in front of your face it is SO hard. I smoked
it at first. Then I shot it AGAIN. I lied to my boyfriend about it and hid
it from him for six weeks. I know I should not have done it. I knew before
the needle even left my arm that I should not have done it. I have shot it
twice since then. And smoked it a bunch of times. My new “clean date” is
about a month ago. November 13 to be exact. Boy was that was a mistake to
even TRY it again! I “now” battle those awful cravings to do it again. I
don’t crave it as much as I used to. I am scared they will become real bad
again. I also watched my boyfriend go from saying he “hated” needles and
would never put one or let someone put one in one of veins. Now he prefers
shooting METH. It scares me. To see someone flip like that makes me realize
just how powerful this drug is.
I’ve already lost one man I loved to this evil drug. Now I am scared I am
going to lose two. The place I live is referred to as "Speeder Creek Lake”
in a really small town in Texas. Back in July, I had a really good friend of
mine murdered because of this drug. It was the dope friend of mine that
showed up at the house where I was when I relapsed in July of 2003. I have
seen this drug do NOTHING but tear “my world” and everyone else's “world” it
touches apart. Meth will make your life a living hell. I do not think you
can judge this drug unless you have been on it or know someone who has. I am
not saying “go out and do it.” Please do not do that. It only takes once. I
have done the “picking” and left sores all over my body. I have had the
suicidal thoughts on more than one occasion. I thought people were out to
get me. I have made a complete fool of myself on more than one occasion. I
never thought I would do this drug again. I guess the saying “once an addict
always an addict” is true.
The biggest step is to ADMIT and ACCEPT you have a problem. From there it is
all up to the individual person. METH is my DOC. Demon of choice and that is
what it is……. a choice. No one caused these relapses but me. Trust me; I
have tried blaming a few people. I have chosen this drug over everyone,
myself, my children, my parents, my lovers & my close friends, all of whom I
have hurt in one way or another because of METH. One of the times my
boyfriend and I were smoking METH, I was rude to a mutual friend of ours
because I was high on METH and did not want her to know it. I was ashamed
for people to see me like that. I have tried to hide it from everyone. But I
think the only person I am fooling is MYSELF! I know I am addicted. Now, all
I have to do is BE more powerful than the drug. I really have to be strong,
not only for myself but for my kids. I have also learned” never say forever”
because that is an uncertain amount of time. I just hope to be able to stay
clean and not use anymore. I just take it ONE day at a time. And look to God
for answers. I am still adding and editing to this story of mine. I hope
this will help who ever reads it.
I am not just someone you read about. I am a person. I have two little
girls. I also have boyfriend that loves me and I love him very much. I have
two sets of parents that love me. I also have lots of loving friends and a
family that loves me too. I did not come from parents that were drug users.
I did not live around it when I was a child. When I was a senior in high
school I didn’t even know what a joint was much less crystal meth! That was
in March of 1998 and by December 1998 I was smoking weed. And well you just
read the rest of the story. It’s all history.
Click Here
if you would like to email Jennifer with comments, suggestions and
support.
|
