Jenn LeBlanc Life without You (My Nemesis)

I know how tough this road is for you.

I have been there. Rebuilding life after being vacant for a while. Forever it seems.

Facing life in all its bareness its reality its splendor and despair.

Without the crutch.

It is almost too much to think of.

How can it be that I can't call you friend anymore?

We have shared so many things together. I have laughed with you when I’ve been so high I wasn't sure I would ever return to this world again! But the laughs seem so distant now. So hollow.

I have seen so many moments through your eyes.

Did I ever really live without you?

You were my comfort savior champion companion. When no one else would do.

And no matter how many times I tried to walk away You were always there to welcome me back. With open arms.

But I see now with a clear mind You offered me DEATH. DEATH to myself.

It is going to be so hard but I think I can leave you behind.

Say my last goodbyes and cut the cord.

I see we don't have that much in common anymore. I want to LIVE! BREATHE! BE!

I can't go where you are going, and that seems to be the best decision I have made yet.

I wrote that poem a week or so ago when my brother returned from a recovery center. Its about the feeling of closeness that you have with your addiction...but it is fake, and full of lies. My brother has not made it even two weeks without binging. And so I continue to write to cope with the loss of his presence in my life at this time. We are very close.

Anyway, here is one more for you. This last one is about the pull that addiction has on you. And how it is SOOOO hard to say no and to reach for positive alternatives to using. Two nights after my brother got out of recovery he went on a binge, and so I wrote this poem about him and for him.

Untitled- For Matt

It'll be alright tonight. Don't worry.

I will sleep tonight. My mind will shut down.

I feel so restless. How can I sit still?

How can I learn new ways of existing when this is all I have known to get by?

How to scrape out some sort of existence?

How do I soothe the pain of being alone with myself?

How do I love this person I am right now?

How do I believe that I can change and trust my steps again?

I sit here alone in this apartment. The night life awaiting hungrily to devour me. Waiting to prey on my insecurities, my fears of not being good enough. Not worth love. My shame is my betrayer tonight.

I pick up my keys hoping to find a friend in the bottle. Someone to listen. Someone to hope for me.

Why am I like this? I am afraid to reach out. To let someone in. I close the door behind me and step out into the frigid night air. I know I will regret this tomorrow. But tonight it is all I know. Loneliness can't follow me where I am going.

My nemesis has to sleep tonight.

Thank you again for allowing me to share these poems. I really appreciate your website and I am glad that I found it. Jenn