THE BIGGEST COMPETITION OF MY LIFE
How did I wind up here? How in the hell does an athletic woman who was
brought up in a perfectly loving family of moderate to upper-income status
and who has a very public, successful career end up an alcoholic?
Hi. My name is Jill, and I’m an alcoholic. The first time I said those words
31 days ago, I was petrified. I was certain by speaking those words out
loud, I would lose all my friends, all my family, my husband -- the whole
shooting match. Alcoholism is for losers, right? Only low-life's
and scum “allow” themselves to become alcoholics.
My God, what I have learned in this very short period to prove all of the
above statements to be absolutely and utterly false.
How did this all start? I’m not quite sure. I did all the normal
experimental drinking in high school on special occasions like the prom,
graduation, etc. When I got out of high school, the drinking intensified as
I turned legal drinking age. It’s what all my friends were doing, and I
didn’t want to be left out of all the fun. Girl’s just want to have fun,
right? I was all about having fun.
I guess nearly every sporting event I participated in after high school
involved alcohol. Beer at the softball game, beer at the outdoor sand
volleyball court, alcohol available at the baseball, football and basketball
games I loved to attend. As I think about it, not many aspects of my life
involved non-drinking activities. I love to camp, which also always involves
sitting around the fire and – you guessed it – drinking. Let’s go skiing and
then have a few drinks afterwards. Let’s go diving in some tropical climate
and drink fruity rum drinks.
When I was 38, I got married and soon after moved west to California with my
husband where we had no family or friends. But what the heck! We are
adventurous and love skiing and the mountains and camping and hiking and the
ocean. It was a perfect place for us – so we thought. Then I discovered wine
country and grew a deep love and affection for wine.
About 18 months ago, I began to have the feeling something was wrong with me
and my drinking. I wasn’t very much “fun” anymore, I was incredibly moody,
and I was constantly walking around in a fog. I had helped myself become
emotionally numb so that I wouldn’t miss the company of my family and my
friends I had left behind.
My normal routine had become coming home, opening a bottle of wine, and
pouring glass after glass until my husband got home. Well, he never gets
home from work until about 7:30 or 8 p.m., so a lot of drinking can be
accomplished in those 2 or 2.5 hours. He’d get home, I’d be moody or half in
the bag, eat a little dinner and then pass out on the couch. That has been
my life pretty much for the last year. What fun, huh?
My total wake-up call which happened two weeks ago was about as ugly as I
can imagine. I don’t remember much, but I will share with you what I do
remember.
My husband was out of town for the week, and it was Memorial Day weekend. I
took a nice long run that Saturday morning with the dog, and then came back
and entertained the neighbor kids at the pool, where I decided to have a
couple of beers. When I went back home a couple hours later, I decided to
crack open a bottle of wine and watch a movie. I don’t remember the end of
that movie. I also don’t remember anything else that happened until I “came
to” about 2:30 a.m. on the couch with a bottle in my hand that had spilled
all over me and the couch. Not only that, but the right side of my head was
killing me. Not a hangover kind of pain, but physical pain. I went to the
mirror to discover that I had a huge lump on my forehead and a black eye.
This is what I have pieced together of what happened that night.
At some point in the evening, I went outside with the dog and started
yelling at some woman who was mad at me for having the dog off-leash. During
the fiasco, my little neighbor friend, Tina (who is 13 years old)
heard me yelling and came out and saw all this and I guess had to
help me back in the house. Not, however, before I fell flat on my face and
nearly killed myself from the impact. At some point, I must have been in the
hot tub, because I left the cover open. How I didn’t drown, I have no idea.
The next morning, I was horrified. I couldn’t piece anything together, and
when Tina was talking to me about the previous nights events, I wanted to
cry right there in front of her. I tried to take a nap, but the horror and
fear of what had happened the night before gripped me so badly I could not
rest. I had to stop drinking. I didn’t really care that I had nearly killed
myself, I cared that I had made a total ass of myself in front of a young
girl who idolizes me. My heart was broken and I had to admit my problem.
Without my husband there, I promptly walked over to Tina’s Mom, Robin, who
is a dear friend of mine, and admitted through my tears that I was an
alcoholic.
To my shock, she hugged and told me she loved me and would help me in any
way she could to help me get better.
The next hurdle was telling my husband. I picked him up at midnight at the
airport that same Monday night, and though it was late and the timing less
than perfect, I had to get it off my chest then and there, and I did. I told
the one person I love most that I was an alcoholic. He held my hand, and
told me he loved me and that he was proud of me for coming to this
realization. He would be by my side every step of the way.
The next major hurdle was going to my first AA meeting. Oh my God, I had to
sit in a room full of drunks and losers and admit I was just like them. I
think that day I had talked myself in and out of going to that first meeting
50 or more times. Even 15 minutes before the meeting was to begin, I was
calling one of my friends so that she would talk me into going. I finally
just jumped in the car and plowed ahead. When I arrived, there were several
questionable looking men standing outside of the door. One guy said to me,
“Are you looking for a bunch of drunks?” I smiled and said yes. From that
moment on, I was o.k. The group setting was a bit scary and there were a lot
of AA rituals I was unfamiliar with, but the speaker that night was awesome.
The speaker, Ron, talked about his long battle with alcoholism, and how he
struggled and struggled for his sobriety. Today, he has been sober 28 years!
He talked about his drinking, and how it totally ruined his career, but that
he drank so that he would “feel comfortable in his own skin.” Oh, how I
could totally relate to that statement.
While I didn’t lose my job, I didn’t lose my husband, I didn’t kill someone
in a car accident, I didn’t have to take a drink in every morning to get
through the day, I still truly believe all of that would have happened if I
continued to drink. Blackouts had become all too common of an occurrence
when I drank, and the thought that I could have gotten in my car and killed
someone frightens the hell out of me. I could never live with myself if I
harmed another person.
I have just begun my road to sobriety, but I am happy. I’m not saying it is
easy, but I love what I am learning to become – a person who can look in the
mirror and love myself for having the guts to face my problem head on.
I would be remiss to say I will be able to do this on my own. It is the love
of God, my family and friends that will guide me through this. I just hope
that one day I will be strong enough and smart enough to be able to help
someone else fight their way back to sobriety and a life full of love,
laughter and happiness.Jill T. |
