I first entered the AA program in November of 2002. An ex-girlfriend of
mine (from several years ago) had insisted that I go, after I had called her
in a drunken blackout for about the umpteenth time. It really scared me
then, that I had awakened the next day with that "uh-oh, I did something
stupid last night" feeling. She told me (later that day when I wasn't
drunk) that she couldn't take it anymore, that she was going to get a
"court order" to keep me from calling her while drunk. That idea made the
whole situation take on a seriousness that I finally had to recognize. I
wasn't calling her to harass her: she knew that. I just wanted a friendly
ear to "talk" to.
I have lost most of my friends because of my withdrawing into booze. I
don't even go out to bars anymore, because of both the expense of the drinks
(at the consumption level that I need) and the possibility of public
blackouts and/or "86-ing". So, I just began drinking at home about 5 years
ago... about the same time I stopped drinking beer and wine. I switched
exclusively to hard stuff only.
The first couple of months I attended sporadic AA meetings, but would many
times leave early. Once I had left a fifth in the back of my car, went to
the first part of the meeting, then left as the group dispersed to the
specific discussion rooms. (that way if she questioned anyone about if I was
there, they would think that I had just gone to a different room than them,
but had seen me in the general meeting) I went home and drank the fifth.
It all seemed somewhat unreal to me. "I'm R, and I'm an alcoholic" I'd say.
Then listen to the others and sometimes talk a little myself. Bit by bit
things started sinking in. But I just couldn't take it seriously; after
all, I'd been drinking for over twenty years, never got a DUI, missed any
work, etc. Surely this was just an aberration, right? But I did keep going
to meetings, off and on.
On Christmas eve 2002, I got drunk in my apartment, playing a computer game.
I was to get together with my one surviving parent the next day. But I
figured I could manage that, if I started drinking early enough. So around
2pm or so I started my Christmas eve drinking. The last thing I remember
was that I was doing pretty well against the computer teams, and having a
pretty good drunken time.
Around 5am, I woke up, still in my chair, head slumped on my chest, mouth
dry, and the game still running. I reached out with my left hand to pause
it... but my wrist hung limp off my arm. What the hell was this? "I'm a
gimp" I slurred and chuckled a little, still drunk, as I flopped my hand
back and forth. (it was really useless) I turned off the game and computer
with my right hand, and stumbled to bed, not worrying much because I figured
I had just slept wrong and everything would be okay in the morning. Not.
The paralysis lasted about 2 months.
To make matters worse, my most recent girlfriend broke up with me, via
e-mail, a few days later. I think it was on New Year's Eve. Citing
"communication issues" (among other things).
I went to a doctor, who told me it was a "classic park-bench arm", a symptom
of a street drunk who sleeps with his arm over the back of a bench, pinching
the nerve on the inside of the arm for many hours. I went to acupuncture.
I went to shiatsu and massage. I bought a wrist brace, so I could at least
drive and lift light things to my mouth to drink. And yes, some of those
things were, you guessed it, more drinks of alcohol.
I suspended going to AA meetings for a while, because of the brace, too.
But I did scratch out my old ex-girlfriend's number from my book so I could
not call her again in a blackout. Unfortunately, I didn't do the same for
my latest ex-girlfriend's number.
As my wrist slowly gained strength back, I felt better and emboldened to
return to my previous patterns of hard-booze drinking. But now I noticed
something new. My right foot was becoming tingly and weaker. I found that
I could only sporadically "clench" it, and the toes on that foot seemed less
responsive. Finally, around Valentine's day, I was feeling exceptionally
sorry for myself. I had seen my latest ex-girlfriend with her new guy
recently... and my guts were torn up inside. I decided to "f&%# it all!!"
and get loaded... so loaded up I did, with over a 1/2 gallon of bourbon and
a fifth of vodka; and loaded I got, playing my computer game for several
days on end... eating just enough to keep me somewhat together, but drinking
again almost from the moment I awoke. Never leaving my apartment. Total
escape.
I finally "came around" a few days later when my booze ran out. Groggy and
bleary I noticed that my right foot was almost completely useless. Just
like my left hand had been a few months earlier. "What the...???" This was
not good. My toes absolutely refused to respond, and I could not pull it
up. I could push it down and away, so I could still walk, sort of, but I
had to kind of "fling" it forward when I did, since I could not, no matter
how hard I tried , lift it up to take a normal step. Again, I was a "gimp",
but I wasn't chuckling this time. I was worried. And scared.
I eventually read about this symptom in a book, "Under the Influence" by Milam and
Ketcham called "Polyneuropathy"
It's a form of early nerve damage to the extremities of the body. A
depletion of B vitamins because of excessive drinking is a major cause of
it. Man, now I was really freaking out! I have always been a big vitamin
guy, and here this is happening!
At least I could still get around somewhat. Driving, again, became a
problem, since it was difficult for me to lift my foot up off of the pedal.
I had to lift my whole leg. But I was careful, and managed to do it.
Anyone who asked me why I was walking funny I told that I had sprained my
ankle. That seemed to work. And I began drinking heavily again.
I ended up calling my most recent ex-girlfriend in a blackout. And getting
on-line in a chat-room that she frequents as well. I don't remember any of
it, of course. After I heard about it a few days later (of course feeling
absolutely mortified), I began disassembling my phone and disconnecting my
internet connection before I drank, figuring that I would be too drunk to
figure out how to reconnect them if I was wasted enough to want to "chat" or
call while in a blackout. That seemed to work okay for a while.
About a month later, in late March, I went to a convention in another city.
I drove, since it was only about 200 miles away. By this time I had gotten
used to, and was "dealing with" my gimpy right foot. I had also decided to
"not drink" while I was there. I figured I could go a few days without
drinking, no problem The drive was uneventful, and I was enjoying my time
at the convention when... guess what?! In walks my recent ex-girlfriend with
her new guy (she and I have similar interests, so it makes sense that she
would want to go to this as well. But it was still somewhat of a surprise).
OMG!!!
So the next several days of the convention, I had to either avoid them or
just put up with it. Man, I felt like hell. The mental anguish was unreal.
My confidence was at an all time low. I didn't drink, but I was sure
planning on it after my return home! For various reasons, things got even
worse while I was there. But finally it ended, and I began the long drive
home. What a chance to think about things! At that point I'd gone about 4
days without a drink, and at the beginning of the drive I knew that I was
going to go on the biggest binge of my life upon my return. But as I drove
and drove, I thought and thought as well.
It was now almost four months since my first AA meeting in November. I knew
that I was an alcoholic. I knew that I was manifesting physical problems
directly related to the boozing. I knew... I just knew that if I did go on
that binge, I may not wake up again. That's how bad it was. As the miles
went by, I turned over all my past experiences with alcohol that seemed to
continuously pop into my mind. And their consequences. And the stories
that I'd heard at the AA meetings. I talked to myself. I raved at myself
and the world. I almost cried. It was a long drive.
By the time I got back to my city, I drove directly to an AA meeting. Numb,
desperate, inwardly raging, but scared.
Confused and in pain, I went. I did not drink that day, or the next.
I stayed sober for several weeks after that, going to at least one and
sometimes two or three meetings a day. I bought books. I got a sponsor,
and then another one. I "got serious" about quitting, finally. And my foot
got better, finally.
Well, I relapsed. But I kept going back to the meetings.
Drinking just wasn't fun anymore.
I bought a bike, and started exercising, and that really seems to help.
"Not drinking" is my number one priority now, and has been since last March.
Even 'though I don't have much continuous sobriety put together yet, I keep the
AA program in mind at all times, and keep going back. I haven't been going
to quite as many meetings, but I haven't been drinking either.
I don't know what the solution is, but I do know what the problem is. And I
know that the time will go by no matter what I do, or don't do. I don't
want to relapse again, and start my "birthday" over again. I am just
getting very, very tired of that. I hope and pray this time will be the
last.
I hope this little story helps somebody else. It's certainly gotten a lot
off my mind. I actually cried once while writing it.
Okay, I gotta go to a meeting. "Keep Comin' Back!"
From Washington State,
Rob
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