Life. Sometimes funny. Sometimes cruel. I’ve never known exactly what life
was supposed to be. I have only known what it has been like for me and a few
select others. I have observed many people as they have gone through their
lives, doing all the “Normal” things. School, work,
love, children, passions for various
things. Almost all of them appear to be happy as they go through and achieve
whatever accomplishments they manage.
What about those who fail in this ? What of them ? What happens to those who
for whatever reason just cannot seem to succeed at anything memorable to
them ? They suffer through failed marriages. They have jobs that are never
satisfactory. What happens to those who fail ? Oh we see some on TV being
arrested, a few laying in doorways reeking of
alcohol or death. But surely not all turn out that way.
I had occasion to closely examine one mans life and oh the things I
discovered. This man had begun life as a healthy robust ten pound baby. He
had bright red hair and was a little scamp all his young life always in
minor trouble for silly kid stuff. Once he was caught sitting inside a
cabinet eating a container of cottage cheese his favorite food of the week.
He received a scolding for that but it had no affect whatsoever for several
days later he was again caught doing the same thing.
This was his pattern…he never seemed to really learn from his mistakes, or
at least he never cared about the consequences of his actions where he
himself was concerned. Once at two years of age his mother tied him to the
railing in the backyard with a length of clothesline while she went to make
a cup of coffee. He was known for escaping so she tied it behind him and
used 14 double knots.
When she returned there was only a length of rope. Some 4 hours later in a
rather distraught state of mind she was summonsed to the riverbank about ¾
of a mile away to retrieve her son. A police officer was standing there
dripping wet and told her he had to swim out to get her son because he had
been astride a large snapping turtle and almost ½ way across the river ! Was
this normal curiosity for a child ?
As the years passed he was always getting in trouble mostly of a minor
nature….and mostly because his wandering desires took him away from his
responsibilities. Frequently the police retrieved him from the pond with his
fishing pole. At 5 years of age he’d ride his bike 4 miles to go fish.
Nothing his parents said or did seemed to change his behavior. He just
didn’t seem to care what happened to him.
When he was 11 yrs old his mother contracted a fatal disease. Being a
basically good but errant child he readily agreed to stay home after school
and help care for his mother. We spoke of this time period in great depth.
His duty’s required him to do many things a young boy should not have to do.
But he was steadfast in his duty. He had been told he needed to grow up…to
be strong…to be accountable for taking care of his mother. This period
lasted almost 4 years. He told me that he tried his best. He did everything
asked of him and he did it the best he could do it. He was very proud of the
things he did to help care for his mother. But there was a demon lurking…His
father would make more demands on him beyond what he had done. His father
would scold him for not doing everything exactly as he had been told which
upset his mother. As time grew on this child was feeling less and less
worthy of being alive. It seemed no matter how hard he tried..
no matter what he did…no matter how cautious he was…he was always
doing something wrong. He would sit in his room and read books to escape the
emotions that assailed him. At some level he knew he was not a bad kid…that
he cared about people and loved people and yet….he was always in trouble no
matter what. He withdrew further and further from his family…he came to
understand that no matter what he did someone was going to tell him what a
screw-up he was. He fell further and further into a depression that went
undiagnosed for almost 40 years.
The day came when his mother passed away. He got up in the morning and went
in to say good morning to her and she was not there. He asked his father
where she was thinking she had been taken to a hospital. NO she had died the
night before and been taken away without his even being called to say
goodbye…just like that POOF…his mother was gone.
He traipsed mechanically through the funeral and the gathering afterwards
not caring what was going on around him. It no longer mattered. Nothing
mattered. Without his Mother life as he knew it was over. His father was
wrapped in his own misery and never noticed how much his son was hurting.
Nobody noticed. In his mind the boy decided that nobody cared and it no
longer mattered. Here he had just lost his mother and been denied the basic
right to say goodbye to her and not one single soul was there for him. He
plummeted into depression. He turned to marijuana and beer to help himself
cope. For the next 38 years he wallowed in self hate and deep misery. He
went out and got drunk and fought anyone who would swing on him. He did all
sorts of dangerous things to try to develop a sense of why he was alive. He
tempted fate and cheated death with abandon. Oh he tried a marriage and had
two children. Failure….He tried another relationship which lasted 16 years
but didn’t seem to develop into what he expected. He hated himself and most
everyone he came into contact with but managed to keep his hate hidden for
the most part.
What did he hate ? We discussed that a lot…he claims he hated himself….but
over time we found out the truth…he hated that he had given his all and been
cheated out of his just due reward. He hated his father for denying him the
right to say goodbye to his mother.
After 38 years of self hatred and abuse. This guy went to a psychiatrist to
ask what was wrong with the woman in his life. Imagine his surprise when he
discovered that his misery and his hatred were all buried deep inside his
own disease ( which he was unaware of) called alcoholism. The Dr.
directed him to an Alcoholics anonymous meeting where he listened to a woman
speak. It was as if she had a direct line into his head and heart. She spoke
of feeling less than everyone around her. She spoke of failed relationships.
She spoke of a deep seated hatred for everyone but mostly herself. Then she
hit the nail on the head as she explained how every time someone did
something which hurt her emotionally she would go out and drink and drug and
behave in ways harmful to herself. The man sat and began crying. He didn’t
know why he was in tears he only knew he had found the answer he had
searched for all his life, that question was “What is wrong with me and my
life’’ Over a period of ten years this man attended AA meetings. He went to
Big Book meetings and he went to 12 step meetings. Slowly he began to heal.
He came to understand the truths of his life. Yes perhaps he had been
ignored at his mothers funeral by his father but his father had just lost
his wife and faced raising 4 children at home without help. His siblings
were in their own misery from the loss they could not help him. He felt
alone and turned to alcohol and drugs to help staunch the flood of emotions
that threatened to bury him.
Today he still fights the emotions…but today he has the tools necessary to
cope.
You see the man who’s life I had occasion to examine closely was my own.
William K.
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