Hi! My name is Mary, and I'm a grateful recovering addict.

My earliest memory of using was when I was about three--I would snag my dad's beer from the coffee table and drink as much as I could before he caught me. He would take it away, but he thought it was cute. From that I learned that I could gain approval from drinking. If I managed to drink enough before getting caught it made me feel funny, and I liked that, too. For the next several years I would drink whenever I got a chance--emptying leftover drinks after my parent's cocktail parties, finishing my mom's bottle of wine after she was asleep (or passed out--I didn't know the difference), stealing beers at family get-togethers.

When I was 10 I got a new Stepsister who introduced me to weed, speed and acid. From that point forward, it was ON! I liked the way drugs made me feel, and I felt like I belonged. I also lost my virginity that year, and discovered that sex was another way I could feel accepted.

When I was 13 I got pregnant, so I "stopped" using. I did smoke a lot of pot, but I figured that was okay since weed "wasn't really a drug". My baby's father and I stayed together and I had 3 more babies by the time I was 21. In that time period I used whatever and whenever I got a chance--all the time feeling superior because I "didn't use" when I was pregnant. The truth is I smoked a LOT of pot and drank occasionally during my pregnancies.

When I was 21 my kids' dad and I split up. I was old enough to go to bars, and that is where I could be found just about every night. Ironically I didn't drink much during that period, but I used a lot of pot and speed and had a different sex partner every night.

After a couple of years I got into a relationship and moved to a suburb of Seattle. The only drug I had easy access to was my old favorite, pot, and I smoked a lot of it. When my son was eight he confronted me, and told me I cared more about smoking pot than I cared about my own kids. I realized he was right, so I tried to stop, but I couldn't. Instead of admitting that I had a problem, I rationalized it. After all, I was an adult and "had the right to do whatever I wanted". No eight-year-old kid could tell ME what to do.

When that relationship ended I moved back to rural Oregon, and back to the old pattern of barhopping, speed and promiscuity. At one point my daughter confronted me about my using, but by then I had my well rehearsed line about being an adult, etc.

Eventually my kids moved in with their dad. For the first time in my life I didn't have anybody to be responsible for but me, and I figured it was my time to do what I wanted. I went to Las Vegas just before my thirtieth birthday, and soon discovered that speed could be injected. I quickly became unable to hold any kind of a job, so I became a prostitute, figuring that I was doing it anyway, I might as well be paid for it. This went on for several years. Eventually I got a boyfriend who was running from the law and had to leave Las Vegas. We had nowhere to go, so I suggested my grandparent's house in Portland.

My grandma welcomed us. She was so happy just to know I was alive! I hadn't been in contact with my family, and they hadn't known if I was dead or alive, but that didn't keep my grandma from praying for me every day. My grandfather was terminally ill. The state paid for him to have a caregiver, and Grandma offered me the job. I accepted, but I didn't really take it seriously--it was just a way to get money. It also gave me access to his pain medication.

When I had been in Las Vegas I had been sure that it was just an evil place, and that I would have no trouble getting clean when I left there. HA! When I got to Portland I started out just smoking pot and drinking on the weekends, then it was every day. Within two months I was back in the spoon.

After about a year of shooting dope whenever I could scrape together enough money, my grandfather died. My mom, aunts and uncle decided that Grandma should spend a month with each of them (to get her through that first winter without Grandpa) and that my boyfriend and I would stay at her house and take care of things there. In the first week Grandma was gone my boyfriend taught me how to forge a check and in the four months she was gone we wiped out her entire life savings. That winter was the worst time of my life. The relationship I was in had become incredibly violent, I hated myself for stealing from my grandma, and I was sure I was doomed to the misery I was in for the rest of my life. I wanted to die. I even had a plan, but didn't quite have the courage to carry it out.

When Grandma came home I continued lying, hating it, until I just couldn't stand it any more. I actually said a prayer, "Thy will be done", and told Grandma what I had done. I was sure I would go to prison, but that just HAD to be better than the hell I was in. My family decided that I had to go to a treatment program, and my boyfriend just had to GO.

I spent all the next day on the phone looking for a treatment center I could get into with no money. One of the people I talked to asked me if I was going to N.A. meetings. When I said no, she asked me "Why not?" I had heard of Narcotics Anonymous, but since I didn't use opiates (well, hardly ever--only if I couldn't get my hands on anything else) I didn't think N.A. was for me. She told me to go to a meeting and gave me the number for the N.A. Hotline. I went to my first meeting that day.

When I heard (from Why Are We Here) "We had to have something different and we thought we had found it in drugs. We placed their use ahead of the welfare of our families, our wives, our husbands, and our children" I started crying and couldn't stop. That was the only thing I heard in my first meeting, but it brought me a sense that "these people" might be able to understand me. I was given a lot of hugs and I lot of phone numbers in that meeting. I felt like I belonged somewhere and I didn't have to use drugs or have sex with anybody to feel that way. It was a miracle!

I still wasn't sure I wanted to stop using, but I kept going to meetings. I felt welcomed, and besides, I DID still have that whole prison thing hanging over my head. I was still smoking pot and drinking every week or so. I would have one drink, or smoke one joint, and that would prove to me that I wasn't REALLY like those people in the meetings. I could stop after just one. The problem was that, after just one, I would want to use "real" drugs--I wanted to shoot drugs I had never heard of--ANYTHING! I didn't do it, but the obsession wouldn't leave.

After going to meetings regularly for a couple of months I decided that maybe there was something to what "those people" had to say. They had a peace about them that I wanted, and they told me that the place to start having that peace was not to use--just for today. I knew I could stay clean for one day--look at all the times my connection was out, and I HAD to wait a day to get loaded. After making the decision not to use--just for one day--several days in a row, I found a Sponsor. I worked Steps 1, 2 and 3 with her, and continued going to meetings every day.

Somewhere in this time my grandma told me something I will always treasure. She told me that, while I was gone in Las Vegas, she had prayed every day for me to come back to the family, and that she had never asked what it would cost. Wow! If she valued me more than her life's savings, maybe I could place at least a little value on my self. She said that, because she was able to forgive me, she learned a lesson in grace--forgiveness freely given. She said it allowed her to grow in her faith.

Because I was able to value myself--just a little--I was able to stop having sex with anyone who would have me. That was a really big deal, because I never thought I was good for anything else, and that if I wasn't available sexually, people wouldn't like me.

Just before I got my 90-day key tag, my Sponsor relapsed. From that I learned not to make another person my Higher Power. I also learned that any of us can and will use again if we don't do what is necessary to stay clean--EVERY day.

I got a new Sponsor, continued working the Steps, became a home-group member, and kept going to meetings every day. It is suggested that we go to a meeting a day for the first 90 days, but I had promised my mom that if I wanted to use I would go to a meeting before I did. Then, if I still wanted to use, I could. I wanted to use most of the time, so I went to a lot of meetings--probably 300 in my first 90 days. (I am fortunate to live in a city where it is possible to go to five meetings a day---and sometimes I did!) Somehow I always heard in the meetings what I needed to stay clean--at least until the next meeting.

When I had about four months clean there came a day that I wanted to use more than I ever had in my life. I went to meetings, yelled and cried, used that 200-pound phone, and prayed a lot--I used all the tools at my disposal. It was a miserable day but, much to my surprise, the desire to use passed. Just like they told me it would! From that I learned that I don't HAVE to use, no matter how badly I want to. I also learned that "This too shall pass". I know today that whatever I am feeling--good, bad or indifferent--it will pass, and I will feel different if I just wait it out.

I started doing service work--I have been the secretary for several meetings, worked on the Hotline, made myself available to newcomers. I also began doing service at home. My grandma's health has been failing for many years, and I am now her round-the-clock caregiver. She has multiple medical problems, and I learned all I could about caring for someone with her health issues. I am actually a good caregiver! I never really thought I would be good at anything worthwhile. In the process, I've become closer to her than I've ever been to anyone.

Since making the decision to stay clean for just one day (June 28, 1998) my life has completely turned around. I have been able to build close relationships with my children and other family members, I have a relationship with God, and I like myself. I have a few friends that I really trust, and who can trust me. I am a productive member of society. I have grandkids I get to spend a lot of time with, who have never seen me loaded. I love my life today!

Thank you for letting me share.

Hugs!

Mary P.

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