Q.  What's the difference between an alcoholic and an addict.
A.  An alcoholic will steal your wallet, an addict will steal your wallet and help you look for it.

Did you hear there's a new 12-step program for people who talk too much?
It's called on-and-on-anon.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. Grab on and wait 'til the room spins.

You know your an addict when your personal story won't fit on your brand new computer with an 80 gig hard drive.

It's all right to have castles in the air but addicts move into them,
family members clean them & counselors collect the rent!

A cop pulls over a guy. "Your eyes are awfully red, have you been drinking?"
"Gee officer, Your eyes are awfully glazed have you been eating doughnuts?

Did you hear about the new AA group? They started a nudist group and the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking!
It was working for a while but then they disbanded. The reason - they began to COMPARE rather than IDENTIFY.

A drunk calls 911 on his cell phone to report that his car has been broken into. He is outraged as he explains his situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" he screams. The dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard the call," he says. "He got in the back seat by mistake."

Drinking buddies of an alcoholic who died are at his funeral. As two of his friends pass by the open casket, one remarks to the other, "Sam looks pretty good in death"
"He ought to", rejoined the other, "he hasn't had a drink in three days!"

How do alanon's have sex with you?
They just detach and let you screw yourself!

Service is like wetting your pants.
Everybody sees it, but you're the one who feels the warmth

Two drunks are driving down the highway drinking beer. All of a sudden they see a police car's lights flashing in the rear view mirror. "What are we going to do?" asks the drunk passenger.

"Don't worry, I know what to do. Peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. Let me do all the talking."

They pull over and the cop gets out. "May I see your license and registration?" he asks. The guy gives him his license.

"Have you been drinking?" "No officer. We haven't." "Well, you were weaving back and forth. Are you sure you haven't had anything to drink?" The officer asked.

"I swear officer. I haven't had a sip."

"Well why do you have beer labels on your foreheads?"

The man answers, "These aren't labels. We are alcoholics, and we're on the patch."

This guy was staggering along the road, much the worse for the drink, throwing empty beer cans into the street and falling into peoples gardens. His singing gained the attention of a passing policeman who decided to question him.

"What do you think you're doing there?" the policeman asked. "I'm on my works Christmas Party!" came the slurred reply. "Then" the policeman queried, "where are all the others?" "Ah" the man grinned, "You see officer, I'm self employed!"

Drunk? The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk". The wasted wino asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

Too Late The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.
 

Q.  How does an Alanon relapse?
A.  Twenty minutes of compassion!