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Hi, my name is SL, and I'm a recovering crack addict. Let me begin my story by
telling you about my losses:
I lost my father when I
was 15, as a result of a car accident in which I was the back seat passenger. I lost
my godfather,(?) who I was introduced to and met after my father passed, who became
my father figure, and was only with me time short time because he too passed. I
lost my daughter's father, my son's father, and...I had one of my boyfriends expire
on top of me, and, I've carried guilt since my childhood about my brother because I
got all the attention from my father. I'm 50 years old, and have drugged since I was
about 24. My last drug of choice was cocaine-crack, which I did for 15 years. Crack
was my downfall.
When I first started getting high on crack, I didn't have to
pay for it. First I was getting paid for the ride to cop, and then I had suppliers
using my house. When I first started getting high on crack, I really wasn't getting
anything out of it, until... My son ran away from home, I
had an abortion, I had a car accident, and my boyfriend left me.
That's when I found out that cocaine was an anesthesia. It killed all my
pain.
After there was no more car and no more house, I shoplifted.
After I got tired of getting locked up for shoplifting, I prostituted. I have a
child and I don't even know who the father is. And, it turns out that he's autistic.
Every time I would even think about cleaning myself up, I thought about all the
things I would have to do. I had back child support payments, I had a student loan
to repay, I had to get my credit straight, I had court fines and fees to pay, and I
needed to get my teeth fixed. And then all my guilt issues would surface, and I
wanted to get high allover again. Added to the ones I have already mentioned, are my
guilt issues about my children. And self-esteem? I had none. What made me finally
stop? I made a vow to the Lord. My mother was due for an operation and I vowed that
if He would keep her safe, I'd straighten out. He did and I did.
I began caring for my mother after her operation. More
unresolved resentments and issues to have to deal with. Then, I got more help. I
went back into counseling and got on medication for depression. Believe me, it's
made a big difference! Then I did my amends processes with my mother and my
children, and it seemed like a heavy rock was lifted from me. I've been clean for a
little over 6 years now, and I'm just beginning to feel like the old me! I'm just
beginning to love me again! Need help? GET IT!
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